copynin | I brought this back for a reason

And the reason is that I am deeply unhappy. So unhappy in fact that I'm basically sitting here in tears because I'm just so tired and sad and feeling so wrecked on the inside that I don't even know where to begin. I was told to write out what I feel, no matter how ugly and selfish and raw because it's better to get those feelings out.

So, here I am.

I confessed something to someone that I haven't talked about in a while in terms that were so raw and open that I feel like a huge chunk of my skin is gone and all is exposed for everyone's scorn and ridicule. Do I think that person will tell someone else? I... don't actually know. Who can I trust? Who do I trust? Do I even trust anyone anymore? The answers aren't so easy and I would really just love to live a world where they were.

I don't feel like I have any friends anymore.

And it's my fault.

Because I don't trust anymore.

Because I trusted too much, hoped too much, wanted too much.

Fuck this.

This sounds like the overly-emotional writing of a fourteen year old girl as she listens to My Chemical Romance. How pathetic just seeing these words make me feel.

But it's how I feel. Replaceable. Forgettable. Invisible. Useless. Worthless. Pathetic. Unneeded. Weak. Unloved. An utter failure as a friend, sister, daughter, lover, co-worker, employee.

I'm having trouble remembering something good about myself tonight. And if I'm honest with myself, (because why lie now?), it's felt this way for years. Everything I touch, I ruin.